


How x We x Really x Feel

by Drakey



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Cabins, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Gen, Hunter X Hunter Secret Santa, M/M, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 20:35:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17008761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drakey/pseuds/Drakey
Summary: Fic for hisokaxlove for the 2018 HXH gift exchange. I went with the prompt "Everyone is trapped together on an island or a boat."When the whole gang is snowed in during Kurapika's island vacation, Kurapika tells them about a curious local holiday, but this "Christmas" thing might be more trouble than it's worth. And Leorio and Kurapika might just kill each other.





	1. Chapter the First, In Which Gon Calms Killua Without Noticing, Zushi Nearly Tells His Secret, and Leorio is Angered

"First of all, 'trapped' is a strong term," Kurapika declared. "There's no one here who couldn't get back to the mainland if they had to."

"That's not the point," Leorio grumbled.

"Second, we all agreed to stay here for two weeks, and this weather will pass in less than that," Kurapika said, reasonably.

"Still not the point," Leorio groused.

"Third, there's a nice local tradition we can pass the time with," Kurapika continued serenely, "so we're going to all participate. It's going to be nice."

Leorio glared at him. "That's the point. Kurapika, you trapped us here so you could make us all do this... Christmas... thing."

"That's a false accusation," Kurapika persisted. "I didn't trap you. You can leave if you want to."

Gon shifted next to Killua. He hadn't gotten to come along last year. Or the year before that. Or for the four years before that. But they were twenty one, and Gon was stronger now, with a whole different hatsu and a whole new purchase on his life. 

Killua stole another glance at him while Leorio ranted at Kurapika, whose sentimental streak bothered him to no end. He could remember the way Gon had looked for those first few years, whenever he and Alluka got a chance to drop by Whale Island. Gon, the kicked puppy. Killua had almost been relieved when Gon went off to school in Yorknew, when he stopped talking to Killua on the phone every chance he got, when it was just once a month or so, never losing touch, but starting to have separate lives.

He remembered visiting Gon at school, his oldest friend flirting shamelessly with Alluka, knowing for sure he wasn't serious about it. He remembered the bitter feeling of knowing Gon wasn't serious about Alluka because of some... bleached-out waif of a boy who knew nen, who Gon shared a dorm with, _"we weren't assigned together, but Rin Ren's roommate didn't like that he's gay, and my roommate thought I'm too loud,"_ as though anyone could dislike the sound of Gon's voice, only hearing about Rin Ren _(who goes by two names all the time like that, it's undignified)_ drove Killua's blood pressure through the roof, because he could just... picture it.

Gon's phone background had been Rin Ren for a year and a half, the other student in pajamas, laughing brightly, pale and thin and unbelievably attractive, and Killua had counted how often Gon looked at it and smiled one day, and he tried to forget the number, he really did, but a hundred and seventy one was a lot, and Gon's phone was still that way after That Day.

Killua and Alluka on an assignment, deep undercover. A killer in the village, a string of Hunters killed by a mystery. Alluka's ears perked up, Nanika just visible behind her hooded eyes, dangerous and alert. Their suspect, serving coffee and chatting up a customer.

The takedown, when they found the proof, and he nearly got away, only to get clotheslined by...

Killua wouldn't ever forget the display, the almost casual competence, Gon's flawless victory and his easy grin, his lazy _"I always want to be a Hunter, and I'll be the best Hunter I can be when I'm with you."_

He breathed in the slight smell of Gon by his side, centering himself. Six months, and he still wasn't used to it, wasn't used to the way it hadn't changed and had changed completely. Gon smelled like he always had, like fresh earth and dandelions, and a forest at night, and petrichor, and like sweat, but after spending so long away from it, it was different, it was _heady,_ almost intoxicating.

Gon nudged his shoulder and pointed across the room to Alluka. Killua found he approved of Alluka's budding relationship with Zushi. The overeager fighter got just a few shades redder, and Killua could hear his heartbeat speeding up, could hear him taking in a breath time after time to speak to her.

Good for Zushi, if he ever actually told her.

"What do you mean _inside?"_ Leorio cried. All eyes went back to Kurapika.

Kurapika smiled a placid little smile. "Well, this is an evergreen forest. It's part of their holiday. It helps clear out underbrush and it's good firewood for later on. We just go out-"

"Into the howling blizzard," Leorio interrupted.

"-and we find a small fir tree-"

"Even though we can't see three feet in front of our noses for the snow,"

"-and we cut it down-"

"Without actually having a saw,"

"-and take it back here-"

"You know, just carrying a tree through a blizzard,"

"-and put it in the living room-"

"Just a reminder that we're talking about a fucking tree,"

"-in a pot of water-"

"Which we don't have,"

"-hush, Leorio, we can find one-and then we decorate it and put gifts for each other under it."

Leorio glared at him. Gon, naturally, broke the silence. "That sounds fun!"


	2. Chapter the Second, In Which Gon Calms Killua Without Noticing, Zushi Nearly Tells His Secret, and Leorio is Angered

Getting the tree had turned out to be the easy part. Gon melted all the snow off with nen before they brought it inside, and by then Alluka and Leorio had cobbled together a pot to hold the tree. Adjusting it to stand up right was hard, but the really awful part was how there was so little in the cabin to decorate it with. 

It turned out that six rooms (a kitchen, a sitting room, three bedrooms, and a bathroom) was apparently not enough to have all the holiday implements a guest might want. Killua considered calling up the people who owned the cabin to complain, but it wouldn't accomplish anything and he was probably just stir crazy. He'd run from Illumi for so long, and then, when it all ended, he couldn't sit still without freaking out a little.

Four months ago. Gon, stopping the needles while Killua struck, Alluka, fiercely holding off Hisoka and making the odds better than even.

Gon, graceful and powerful, and his new hatsu. He was unbreakable.

He was also unbelievable. While Leorio made unhappy noises at Kurapika in the kitchen, Gon gripped the wall like it was normal to be able to just... stick to things like that. Like it wasn't tighter aura control than he had ever shown the first time they traveled together. Alluka had draped a chain of tinfoil over Gon's shoulders, and he was gilding the tree while she and Zushi worked the material, building the chain longer and longer. Paper decorations nestled in his wild hair, his hoodie pockets bulging with little natural things they meant to attach to the tree.

Killua smiled in spite of his nerves. Gon had made everything so much better, from the moment he returned.

"No. You did not just crack an egg into that milk!" Leorio marched out of the kitchen and harrumphed onto the couch. "Kurapika just ruined a gallon of milk."

"I didn't 'just crack an egg into' anything," Kurapika said a few minutes later, emerging from the kitchen with a glass of something thick and yellowish. He smiled at Gon, who was still adorning the tree, and at Alluka, who was handing off the end of the foil-chain to a smitten Zushi. 

"I carefully whipped egg into a premade mixture. It's practically ice cream."

Killua perked up. "Yes. Ice cream?"

Kurapika pointed, and Killua turned to look at Gon. Amber eyes found his like Gon already knew to look (because he very much knew Killua was asking him, and he knew how to answer), and Gon nodded. 

"Me too?" Alluka said hopefully.

Leorio grumpily siezed Kurapika's glass and sipped. He made a face. "That's really bad for me. I guess bring me a glass, too."

Killua poked Zushi on the shoulder. "Come help me carry."

Zushi followed him into the kitchen, and started pulling down glasses from the cupboard. "Killua, does Alluka like me?" he managed after the third glass clinked on the counter. Killua eyed the gallon of milk Kurapika had turned into... something. 

"Of course she likes you," Killua said as he set down the stuff on the counter. It no longer fit into a gallon jug, so he set one of the pitchers down next to the cups and started pouring.

"I mean," Zushi began, but Killua cut him off.

"I know what you mean, stupid. You're just gonna have to ask her that yourself."

Zushi frowned. "You're not mad at me for... I mean, she's your sister."

Killua finished pouring and put the pitcher back in the fridge. "Zushi, you literally killed someone for misgendering her last year. I thought you were gonna ask me to teach you how to rip hearts out. You're the only person who might love her as much as I do. I'm not mad. But-"

"You're not the one I have to convince," Zushi said. "I know."


	3. Chapter the Third, In Which Gon Calms Killua Without Noticing, Zushi Nearly Tells His Secret, and Leorio is Angered

Killua laid back for a few minutes after he woke up. Alluka had insisted Killua take the bed the first night. He no longer let her share it with him because she sprawled all the way across whatever surface she slept on, and so she insisted on making him trade off with her because he deserved to be comfy too, and the first time he told her that he could sleep on a sword blade, and had actually done so for training when he was nine, she cried for an hour about the things their family had done to him.

He liked it best when they had separate rooms nowadays. Alluka could sleep in her own room and on her own bed, and he could take care of his morning routine on his own time. The whole routine, which included attending to any morning... stiffness.

But Alluka was snoring gently in her sleeping bag, so Killua willed it away and got up to head to the bathroom. 

Gon was stretching as he stepped out of the room he shared with Zushi. He brightened when he saw Killua. Killua waved, a little shy and a little goofy with the early morning. He slipped into the bathroom, and went to close the door, but Gon's fingers caught it before he could bring it to.

He didn't say anything. He just slipped in with Killua and grabbed his toothbrush. The routine was familiar, years old. Heavens Arena, Greed Island, every time they'd had a place to stay since the Hunter Exam, and then every time Killua visited him-except those two years Gon's phone background was Rin Ren-their mornings together were the same. Barefoot and messy, blinking sleep out of their eyes as they shared the bathroom. They used to fight over the sink, but now that was limited to friendly little bumps, gentle hipchecks and tiny jostles.

Gon finished with his teeth, and he pulled his shirt up and over his head, tossing it in the corner and grabbing a towel off the shelf in the bathroom as he sauntered towards the shower.

Killua watched him, transfixed. Gon had never been one for modesty, especially around Killua, and Killua barely turned his head away before Gon's sleep pants dropped. The shower started up, the curtain rattled closed, and Killua sat down heavily on the toilet. 

"Is Zushi trying to get together with your sister?" Gon asked. He was throwing shadows against the walls as he moved in the shower. 

"Yeah," Killua answered.

"I think he must have been rehearsing asking her out when I came to bed last night."

Killua leaned back to stare at the ceiling. Gon was unapologetic, seemingly unaware of Killua's growing discomfort. But Killua didn't move. He couldn't just leave Gon alone in here, when Gon obviously wanted to chat. "Why am I not surprised? He needs to get off his ass and actually do something about it."

"He spends a lot of time looking at pictures of the two of them together when he thinks nobody is looking."

Killua sucked in a breath, sharp and startled.

"Killua?" Gon asked, all fresh attentiveness. The sounds of motion from the shower had stopped.

"Yeah. Yeah, I just. Gon, I've been meaning to ask... um... your roommate..."

"Rin Ren?" Gon still wasn't moving in the shower.

"Yeah. Was he... I mean, were you..."

Gon shifted, the sound a soft sussuration against the noise of the water. "Yeah. I mean. It happened pretty early on. When I first came to the school, he asked me out for drinks. And we kinda... dated, I guess? I mean, it was..."

"Was it serious?"

There was a long silence. Finally, Gon's head peeked out from behind the shower curtain. "It's always serious. I don't date people if I don't mean it. But it wasn't going to last, if that's what you mean."

"How did you know?"

Gon smiled softly at Killua. "Rin Ren wasn't a Hunter. He learned nen so he could teach it to people. He made money that way. I couldn't go everywhere and see everything with him. Not like I can with you."

Killua felt his face heating up. "Were you in love with him?"

Gon nodded. "Yeah. But I had to follow you." He watched Killua intently. "I made the right choice. So don't worry about it. Killua never needs to worry that I'll regret following you."

As Gon ducked back behind the curtain, Killua tried and utterly failed to process that. A few more moments of silence went by, and Gon called out "Hey, Killua?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you come scrub my back?"

Killua felt himself turn bright red. The blush didn't entirely fade until they stepped, equally damp, out of the bathroom together. Leorio was tapping his foot impatiently, and Zushi was standing nervously beside Alluka, clearly not having worked up the courage to ask her out yet.

"Is the bathroom really the place for you two to be-KURAPIKA!" Leorio lunged for the door, but it clicked closed before he could get to it, and the lock thunked over. "KURAPIKA, YOU FUCKER, LET ME IN!" Leorio roared.

"No," Kurapika said through the door. "Go wait, I won't be long, and then we'll have hot chocolate and start making gifts for each other for under the tree."


	4. Chapter the Fourth, In Which Gon Calms Killua Without Noticing, Zushi Nearly Tells His Secret, and Leorio is Angered

Killua slid Alluka's present under the tree, the last to be placed there. They had a respectable pile. Everyone had made or bought one gift for everyone else. Alluka and Gon had been baking for much of the morning, and Kurapika had vanished into the room he was (for some reason) sharing with Leorio. Leorio himself had gone off with Zushi, who promised to help him carry things back from the nearby village, never mind that their cabin was so isolated they'd had to cut a path through snow eight feet deep all the way to the tiny village that was the only other bit of civilization on the island.

Killua had passed them on his way out, running over the top of the snow. He'd also passed them on the way back, much to Leorio's chagrin. The two were on the couch together, watching Kurapika stoke the fire in the hearth while they cuddled up under a blanket. It was actually pretty cute, because Leorio was tall and thin and Zushi was very stocky, so they contrasted pretty neatly. They would have made a cute couple, Killua thought, if they had any chemistry together at all.

Gon's hand landed on top of Killua's head, and he sat down on the floor with him. "Food in a minute," he said. He looked up at the tree, sparkling with tinfoil and paper hearts and pine cones, and a few actual Christmas baubles now that Killua had retrieved them from town. "I think I like this holiday. It's pretty, and I get to give people things."

Gon's prediction came true when Alluka put a plate on the floor in front of Killua. After the shower that morning, Killua wondered if he'd screwed up. Gon was the one who invited him in. He had laughed when Killua tried to scrub his back from outside of the shower, and made him get in, too. He'd been playful, splashing and laughing, but his aura had been... defensive, or nervous. It was hard to tell.

"You used to be so easy to read," Killua complained gently. "I can't read your aura anymore. Did you know that?"

Gon smiled. "Well, I'm a transmuter now," he pointed out. "I guess enchancers are easiest to read by their aura, so it makes sense you could read me better when we were younger."

Killua tensed as the sensitive subject reared its head again. They'd talked it to death, what happened with the ants. Killua couldn't have taken it if Gon had grown into what he'd seen in the woods that day, but he hadn't. Gon was tall, and sort of wiry-lean, with toned muscles, but not rippling. His chin was soft and rounded, his shoulders still sort of narrow, his figure undeniably strong, but not what it had become when he... twisted himself.

Gon shied away from the subject, too. They both fell silent as Leorio yelled at Kurapika for "screwing up the fire," his scolding such an old sound, so familiar it was comforting. 

"So when do you think those two are going to admit they're in love with each other?" Killua asked loudly enough for the whole room to hear. Zushi, Alluka, and Gon all snorted and laughed, and Kurapika and Leorio (for once) were united in their disdain for Killua's joke.

As Gon chuckled up against his side, Killua reflected that all was right in the world.

On its own, that thought was pretty terrifying, but Gon might be able to help. Killua settled a little closer against Gon's side, and he watched out of the corner of his eye as Alluka clambered into the spot beside Zushi Leorio had abandoned to yell at Kurapika.

Zushi turned beet red.


	5. Chapter the Fifth, In Which Gon Calms Killua Without Noticing, Zushi Nearly Tells His Secret, and Leorio is Angered

"And so Santa Claus goes back to his workshop, to get ready for the next Christmas," Kurapika concluded. Leorio harrumphed and crossed his arms a little more determinedly. 

"I suppose you have an objection?" Kurapika sighed.

"Yes. That was a children's story." Leorio glared at Kurapika. "Everyone knows where the presents are coming from! We don't need to hear a fairy tale about it."

Kurapika pinched the bridge of his nose and wandered off. They all heard the bedroom door close, and turned to look at Leorio.

Leorio shook his head. "No. We were brought here on false pretenses. I'm angry."

Alluka glared at him. Zushi had fallen asleep on her shoulder sometime during the Story of How Santa Got His Elves, and he cuddled into her even as she looked daggers at Leorio. He mumbled her name, and she blushed slightly, but didn't take her eyes off Leorio. He got up and wandered off to escape her gaze.

After they heard the shower start, Kurapika reemerged. He stepped out into the cold, which worried none of them because Kurapika had hunted down and killed the Phantom Troupe, he wasn't about to lose to a blizzard. 

They shared a companionable silence until Zushi started snoring. Gon huffed out a little breath. "Just nudge him a little. He won't wake up, but he'll stop snoring."

Alluka did, and Killua turned to admire Gon's profile. 

He was screwed. Killua was just... completely screwed. He was in love with his best friend and he was never, ever, ever going to let go of Gon again, and every instant of it was going to torture him, and he didn't know what to do about it. He was about to make some excuse, get up to go find Kurapika, maybe, just so he could try and center himself, when Gon's fingers began to probe at his, weaving together, warm and calloused, while Gon smiled like Killua hadn't seen him smile since... since before the World Tree.

Killua squeezed Gon's hand.

About an hour later, Kurapika came back in and made them all swear to help humiliate Leorio with the mistletoe he'd gotten.


	6. Chapter the Sixth, In Which Gon Calms Killua On Purpose, Alluka Reveals a Secret, and Kurapika is Angered

Killua gave up on sleeping around three in the morning. He got up, dragging the blanket out to the living room. The couch would be enough for him. He was just... stuck. There had been a time when he understood Gon completely, but Gon was different, these last six months. 

Before the ants, Gon had been all brash confidence and childish invulnerability, fourteen years old and convinced of his own rightness. He and Killua had competed in everything, and as Killua sand onto the sofa with the blankets, he couldn't help missing that easy comradery. If it had been this way back then, it wouldn't have been a problem. He could have just told him, and Gon would have thought it was great, and maybe they would still be together, but maybe Killua would hve destroyed his life, the way he'd been afraid of for so long.

Killua was a trained assassin, whatever else he might be, and he couldn't pretend that gave him no advantage dealing with danger. He'd dragged Gon into more violence much faster than he'd ever expected, and a soft, creeping guilt sometimes gripped Killua by the throat in the middle of the night, and all he could do was tremble.

Tonight, though, as he sat on the couch with his eyes closed, a weight settled next to him. Gon's smell wafted to him, and Gon's arm was slung over his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Gon said. "I heard you get up. I knew you were having trouble, I should have-"

"Don't," Killua interrupted. He latched onto Gon, squeezing him hard while the tree glittered and sparkled. 

When they woke up, they were tangled together on the couch, and Leorio was grumbling about breakfast in the kitchen. 

It was a sudden spike in aura that had woken Killua, but the aura was so familiar it just woke him gently, until Kurapika snapped, in audibly trembling fury "Leorio, if you're only here to complain, you can get out, but if you're here to actually spend time with your friends, maybe you should shut the hell up and stop. Sniping. At. Me. I won't sit here and take your bullshit forever."

Leorio was silent in the other room for a long time, and then there were some shuffling sounds, and a mumbled apology.

"Nope," Kurapika said. "You can finish making breakfast. I'm going to the bedroom, and you can come talk to me when you're ready to apologize for real."

Gon smirked, visibly holding back laughter. 

Once they were definitely alone in the living room again, Gon cuddled up against Killua again. They were thoroughly entangled, Gon's arms and legs wrapped up in Killua's and wrapping Killua up. "Happy Christmas, welcome to the arguments," Gon whispered.

"Aw, it's just mom and dad, you know how they bicker," Killua replied, just as quiet.

Gon's big golden eyes turned back up to meet his, and all at once, Killua was breathless. It was like watching the sunrise, except the sunrise could never focus on him like that, the sunrise was distant and impersonal and the smile in Gon's eyes was all for Killua, a bright sparkle that left him winded at the beauty and intensity of it all, and then it was over. Gon stood up and they went to take care of their morning routine together. 

Again, Gon dragged Killua into the shower, and this time it was... different. Better. It was _them,_ laughing and talking and scrubbing each other's backs until they got out.

Zushi and Alluka were talking in the hallway, and when Zushi turned his head and started towards the bathroom, Alluka grunted irritable. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him through the cabin until he was perched under Kurapika's mistletoe.

"You've been wanting to do this since we got here, and you are not keeping it from me anymore, you idiot," she snapped. She kissed him, hard, and then dragged him away towards the bedroom she was... probably no longer sharing with Killua.

"Huh," Gon said.

Killua rolled his eyes. "That's Alluka. You remember the festival, right?"

Gon nodded. "She gets what she wants. I smell bacon. You want any?"

Killua nodded. Gon gestured towards the sofa, and Killua sank down onto it. Gon turned towards the kitchen just as Leorio passed him, presumably off to go actually apologize to Kurapika. Gon laughed, then bent down. "I'll be right back with breakfast," he said, and as natural as you please, he curled around Killua and pressed a chaste, light kiss to his lips, as though he did it every day. It was so quick, so smooth, that Killua didn't start to panic until Gon was in the kitchen. He stared at the tree, and he wasn't sure how long he did until Gon handed him a plate with pancakes just how Killua liked them, and bacon so crunchy it was like a cracker.

Killua took the plate and admired it for a moment. Then he set it to the side. He stood up, and he grabbed Gon's hand.

Gon smiled at him.

"Killua?"

Killua sucked in a deep breath. He leaned forward and kissed Gon, deeply and passionately. "Gon Freecss," he said, leaning his forehead against Gon's, "I am hopelessly in love with you and I need to know if you'll stay with me."

Gon squeezed his hand. "Of course I will," he said.

Killua nodded. "Great. Okay. Come with me, then."

"Where," Gon began, but when Killua turned towards the one remaining free bedroom, he fell silent.

+----+

Leorio looked pretty funny in the Santa hat Kurapika had made him wear as penance. He handed Gon's present to Killua, and that was the last of them. Killua carefully unwrapped the present. 

It was a yo-yo. He looked up at Gon and planted a firm kiss on his best friend's lips. "You're ridiculous," he said affectionately.

"I know," Gon replied.

"So who cleans all this up?" Leorio said, gesturing around to the wrapping paper scattered on the floor.

"You do," Kurapika said.

"Me?"

Kurapika nodded. "You've been such a jerk this whole time," he began.

"How about we all clean up," Alluka suggested. "If you two start fighting again, I'll probably murder you."

"Yeah, me too," Gon said.

Killua held up a hand, twisted into a claw.

Kurapika and Leorio exchanged a glance and nodded.


End file.
